The Moment of Truth (Final Part)

And then I knew it was the last time I was going to see her. The day arrived to save me from further ordeal. Years of pain would soon become history. The dreams would never be true. The wait which was always longer would no longer be waited upon. 

 

Why did I even ask her to meet me today?

Last time I spoke to her was 3 months back. Although 3 months seemed like more than 3 decades, but I still lived every day, every minute in the memory of her. I used to recall all the good memories and wept to bed, slept for a few hours and woke up at the thought of her and die during the day in her memories. No living soul could bring me peace. I fought a losing battle, yet there was slender hope in me of her coming back and brightening my life. 

But today, everything is shattered and an irrevocable damage is caused. The thought of her and the urge to meet her made me call her; but the poor girl thought I had moved on and so agreed to meet. Little did she know that I would be proposing her for the zillionth time! 

All that she said was “I’m in a relationship and I really hope our paths never cross”.

These were the last lines I would ever hear from her.  The little world I had created ceased to exist and the road to the future which I had built was left with no travelers. Time passes but memories hardly fade. It took a few minutes for me to get hold of the present and return my way back. 

It all started six years ago. Two years after the painful breakup with the childhood sweetheart (The moment of truth- Part 1).

 It took two years to get over her and strongly believe that true love doesn’t exist, and a few more days to fall in love again. 

The first day

 

 

The evening was calm and the light was getting dimmer. I just love moments such as this, it brings lot of calmness to a messed up mind. I had a long leisure walk and was returning home. A girl was walking in the opposite direction and her long hair was dancing to the tunes of the wind. She caught my attention for one full minute and disappeared. Her thoughts passed my mind a few times and I soon forgot about her. 

After few days

I was waiting for a bus and saw her walking towards the bus stand. The sight of her for the second time made my heart miss a beat. I glanced at her often and was wondering how could others around me miss a beauty or was it only me finding her beautiful. 

Bus arrived and she got in first. If you are lucky, you will get a seat in a public bus. If you are blessed, you will get a seat next to a beautiful girl. Yes, I was blessed. I sat beside her and my heart was beating faster than ever. It took a few minutes to calm down. It never passed my mind to talk to her but just sitting beside her made my day.

 I had to stop thinking about her and more importantly stop looking at her. I didn’t want her to grow suspicious and make a fool out of myself. I took out a novel and started staring at it. My lips were reading but the mind was elsewhere. And she spoke first.

“Excuse me??”

I initially thought it wasn’t me whom she called. She called again. Now, it had to be me. I was wondering I wasn’t glancing at her now but why did she call me. Was it because I was staring at her in the bus stand or a few minutes ago inside the bus? I looked at her and for the first time made eye contact with her.   This was enough to make me fall for her. 

“Is it Atlas Shrugged?”

“Yes”

“A good novel. Happy reading”.

I could only just smile; no words came out of my mouth. After a few stops, I had to get down. I thought of telling her bye but she was busy listening to music. 

Friendship

It doesn’t take much time for a guy to find details about a girl and it takes much lesser time for a girl to find details about a boy. So was the case now.

I was just done playing cricket and was walking back home. I heard someone call my name and turned back. It was her. I didn’t know her name but she had found out mine. 

“My brother plays cricket with you and that’s how I found out about you”.

I knew her brother plays cricket but didn’t know that they had a conversation about me. He was that little kid who joined us a few days back and was fit only to be a ball boy. His fortunes would change from next game onwards. 

Before I could speak, she introduced herself and told that they were new to the locality and that she didn’t have any friends. 

It’s always good to meet a girl with few friends but extremely great to meet a girl with no friends. You don’t get a chance to listen to the problems of the world. We spoke for a brief while about each others background and departed. 

These short walks continued every day after cricket. After few days, we exchanged our numbers and started chatting. Soon the chats turned into phone calls. After a few months, it so happened that we used to talk all night on phone and meet during the day and hardly slept.

 The downfall

And then the day finally came.

I proposed to her and she disposed. This was the first time we ever had an argument after months of knowing each other. She spoke at length of how she looked at me as a friend and confided in me all her secrets and I had turned traitor by asking her out. Well, I was friend zoned. There was no way out except to shut myself up. 

I think there is not yet a way found to win an argument against a woman in this world. I am still patiently waiting for the day to arrive. 3 days passed and we didn’t talk to each other. She made efforts to get in touch with me, I wouldn’t budge. My mantra was clear; accept me as your boyfriend, after which shall the talks resume.

I could no longer resist. I ended up talking to her but was careful enough not to mention about dating. A few days passed and everything became normal. Whenever I used to retrospect, I found that this friendship was no less than a relationship but was perplexed why she didn’t want to term it so. There were times when I brought this topic up but we ended up fighting harder than the previous time.

We reached the pinnacle of fights after a few years. The innocence had died in both of us and gave birth to ego and greed. It hurt me whenever I spoke to her and hurt me even more when I didn’t talk to her. 

In one of the heated exchanges between us, I slapped her which I regret it to this day. Probably I won the argument but I was utterly wrong and learned the lesson the hard way. I apologized but it wouldn’t heal the inner wound in either of us. 3 months of not talking and then I made another try which became the last ever.

Epilogue

Life is a great teacher; it gives the test first and then teaches the lesson. I learned a few things at the expense of more than what I could offer. There is no point defending oneself or regretting a missed chance. What is not rightfully yours will never be yours and would be futile even if you try again and again. Lesson taken and life moves on. As you grow older, these lessons only make you wiser and we commit lesser mistakes.

My first longest bike ride

It was a long break from writing!

 Finally, tapping my keyboard for a reason which doesn't involve my office work; Off late, doing the things which I missed in my younger days and finding solace in them.

 I started running and cycling. I participated in one of the 10km runs and have just begun to improve my timings. I will publish a detailed blog on how running changed my perspective towards life after I achieve my personal target (Hopefully soon!).

For now, let me keep myself to cycling and other great opportunities life is throwing at me. This post is about my first 150km+ ride.

A year or so ago, cycling flu hit my friends and each of them got a bike. I wasn’t initially interested and considered waste of money to invest on a bike. Although, I was persuaded often to buy one myself, I laughed at them saying it would just rest in my home and not on roads.

I still remember the day. The day that changed my life! It was July 23^rd 2014. I was sleeping and when I woke up to 6 missed calls from a friend of mine. Generally, my friends don’t call up early in the day. I returned the call and asked him if everything was alright, he told me that a particular cycle was on clearance sale and they were selling at a throw away price. Initially, I got mad at him for waking me up for a stupid reason. After a while, I thought about it and called him again to en-quire about the price. 

We, Indians are very good at this. We fall prey for anything that’s available for free or at a lower price. Well, Yes! I fell for it. There was almost a 40% discount on the bike. I went to the store and bought it with no idea of specifications of a bike (After reading many blogs and being part of many groups, now, I understand how seriously people look into the specifications before buying one).

 My first ride was from the store to home, which was around 10km long and I took an hour to cover the distance. It was damn hard to cycle and cursed myself for wasting money and was thinking of a possibility to resell it. Few days passed and my cycling enthusiasm grew day by day. I started cycling everyday to the park where I run and then went on long leisure rides on weekends and fell in love with this great friend and slowly cycling turned into my passion.

One of my friends shared a cycling event post on facebook. It was a 150km ride from Bangalore to Mysore. After doing a few 60 to 80km rides, I felt probably this was the right time to take the big step forward. The constant posts by the organizer on the event page and introduction of two gurus of cycling made my desire grow higher and stronger.

Finally the big the day came! We planned to start at 4:45Am and as is always the case with my group, we were late. We started at around 5:30Am and thus began our first long journey.

We started from Rajarajeshwarinagar and paced towards Kanakapura road, we assumed that all the riders would have passed and we had little chance of meeting them unless they are late like us. On the way, we passed the thuralli forest; cool morning breeze welcomed us. I love the trails in the forest and we remembered a few incidents of our rides in the forest.

We hit the kanakapura road in an hour, we were riding at 15kmph, after which we decided to increase the pace to reach the breakfast venue on time. Here, we met a few more bikers and got to know many were behind. This lifted our spirits up. We were not the only lazy ones :-).

It was a good ride as the sun wasn’t up yet. Well, two of my friends were behind and myself with another guy in the front. When we were about 6 to 8km from the breakfast point, I couldn’t keep up the pace and dropped behind. I was damn hungry and then realized the famous quote “Drink before you are thirsty and eat before you are hungry”. I utterly failed to use this logic and decided to stop over when I find a place to eat. I found a few places but the organizer’s post which mentioned about mouth watering dosa wouldn’t let me compromise and somehow slowly pushed myself. I cursed myself and my friends for not starting early and not reaching on time.

This sight almost brought tears in my eyes. Finally, food!! I jumped around, went to the counter and ordered a dosa. True to its publicity, it was really mouth watering. 

After this I had another plate of rice bath and then kesari bath and then a cup of coffee. After a moment, I remembered that the ride doesn’t end here but a long way forward. I realized now that in a ride, you must eat before you are hungry but not so much which makes you unable to ride.

By this time, we had covered 50km in about 2 and half hours. I was wondering if we go at this pace, we should be able to cover the remaining distance in another 5 hours. Sun came up to greet us.

 The next 50km ride to Malavalli was an uneventful ride for me but my friend had an issue with his bike and had to change it but he wasn’t comfortable with the new one and had to get back to his own bike. There was a problem changing the front derailleur to final gear. His passion was too much to worry about this and rode the next 100km with this problem.

 I made a terrible mistake of adding more electral to the water which made me thirstier whenever I had it. A sincere advice to amateurs is to mix the electral or any salt agents in the right quantity. I had to soon refill more water and make the mixture even. 

The roads were flat and not much terrains; it was a ride more like a song on a single pitch. The scenery around was calm and beautiful. I was bored to pedal at the same pace.

 I laid my hands upon whatever I found on the streets, be it coconut water or cane juice or a small shop where we get biscuits. It’s a myth that you have to keep eating to endure a long ride. I learnt this lesson the hard way. It made me more tired to ride eating so much. 

(During one of many stops)

Once we reached Malavalli, there was a hydration point and thanks to whoever organized this, it was bliss! I could refill my water and rest for some time. We had more or less maintained the same pace and reached this spot in around 3 hours.  Stage 2 completed and felt happy about this milestone and a few pictures clicked to show off on facebook. 

Stage 3 and the final milestone of 50km greeted us. My bums were aching whenever I stopped and took a few minutes to get adjusted to the long routine again. I seriously wonder how the brevet guys manage this issue. I was thinking of a bean bag/sofa to ease my pain. These thoughts only aggravated the pain and my saddle enjoyed the show. 

Flat roads again, now, I really started to hate flat roads. I loved up hills and down hills but the sight of flat roads infuriated me. Whenever there was a flat road, my friend used to over take me and during terrains, I used to overtake him. This game continued for a while.

 Soon, we were greeted by many kids and villagers. Answering their questions and curiosity of the villagers made us feel more proud about feat we were going to accomplish. 

Now, we reached a town and I got sick of the sound of horns. It was so peaceful a ride so far and listening to sudden honks from some idiots made me damn angry. I don’t understand why people honk for no reason.

I abused a few and soon realized that this is the story of my daily life in the city. A few hours away from the city makes you realize the value of peace. I so badly wish that honking is banned in our country. 

The sight of Go green cyclists group always brings a smile on my face, proud to have such a group in our city. I am sure they will continue to promote this eco friendly culture.

Once I passed this little town, I was at solace again but was wearied down because of the constant peddling on flat roads. I reached the next hydration point and rested for a while. This was a strategically well planned location. Again, thanks to you, Sir. 

The time was around 2pm and last leg of 13km left. 4km of ride and finally the first true up hill. I have done quite a few like this before but a hill like this at the end of a long ride is always pain in the ass. I somehow peddled up and emptied my water bottle. The last 9km ride was the pride ride, every km passed made me feel great and I stared etching this in my memory as one of the best achievements and a story which I will talk about for the rest of my life.

We reached our destination at around 3, probably I could have saved an hour or so if not for my often pit stops, nevertheless will learn from this and improve. We had a big lunch, went in time to see the elephants entering the palace and took our bus back to Bangalore. Hopefully next time, we would ride back.

A sincere thanks to Go green cycling group for allowing to use their pictures.

My fellow riders, just their sight was enough to motivate me to move ahead. 

A special thanks to Anil, his team and the guys who organized the hydration points.

Last but not least, my friends Bhargi, Nitin and Vinay for being there for me, Always.

  

Change is Constant

Yes. It has been a while since my last post. I started my professional blog and was busy with that. Now that I have taken a hiatus from it, time is back again to share my thoughts and experiences.

Change has been a constant companion of my life, probably all of our lives. Whether we wish for it or not, change is constant. 

I used to always try and classify changes as good and bad. The more I try to analyze them; they fell in the latter bracket. And then I started experimenting it, I tried to find at least one positive from the change. Surprisingly, I was successful and found many. Now, I believe that it's in one's perception of analyzing a change to be good or bad and we are right in whatever our conclusion is!

What if the change hurts us? (As it happened with me yesterday)

I was fortunate enough to come across this in Holy Bible. 

“Have no fear, for I am with you; do not be looking about in trouble, for I am your God; I will give you strength, yes, I will be your helper; yes, my true right hand will be your support”.

Isaiah- 41.10

When things go out of hand or when there is nothing that we can do, all that we can do is believe in faith and hope for good.

This will definitely help.

I want to share two incidents which made me believe in faith and taking change as a positive thing in life.

Incident 1: 

This incident happened 3 years ago. It was during one of my treks, everything seemed well in the beginning. As the day progressed, unforeseen events took place. Everything changed dramatically, we lost our way back, a few lost hope of returning back and others were just trying to decipher the incidents happening around us. I was somewhere in the middle of the group and had mixed emotions. I knew there was nothing that I could do apart from being positive and hoping for good. It happened such that I became more and more restless and went ahead of the group. 

I was expecting this to be just another normal trail but it was confusing when we saw many such trails leading to nowhere. One had to just believe in intuition rather than logic. The more we tried to logically conclude a particular path, we failed miserably. I badly wanted to somehow find a way back. I broke from the group and started moving aggressively to find a clue/ a lead back. As I moved ahead and ran a few paces, I abruptly stopped. I have no idea why I stopped. I took a couple of steps forward and saw a steep inclination, I knew I was saved. I looked back to see if there was any one behind me, no one was there. Had I fallen, probably no one would have ever known.

 My friends came there a couple of minutes later.

I didn't tell them of the incident as it would have brought the morale down which was already low in the group. In the next few minutes, we found a lead back to base and were happy to have made it.

Even now, if I try to think back what made me stop, I don't have an answer but just the feeling that there must have been a power which saved me and this is the faith I still in believe in. 

Incident 2:

Sometimes, we tend to think that we must stay the person we are and should not change for the sake of others. A deeper analysis into this throws a different light. We are not what we really think we are. It is just an image of what we constantly think of ourselves to be. The way we interact with different people is very different; we try to reflect a part of that person to him/her. This way, we reflect the mindset of others and forget the fact that our interests could be something else. 

There is one person who used to annoy me a lot. The funny thing is that he doesn't realize that he's annoying me. As the days progressed, he tried to occupy my personal space and started dictating things to me. I couldn't ignore him as he turned out to be my new supervisor. The more I tried to explain him the fact that I needed some time alone to complete my task, the more he tried to interfere in my work. Well, of course I tried but couldn't take any positives from this. This was a peculiar problem of its kind and had repercussions to a large extent. 

I decided to tell him that this must stop or working together could be a problem. He has his justification that he wanted to monitor my work closely. I never expected such a change. Day in and day out, there was a shadow following me. This slowly started to have a psychological bearing on me. I slowly started to understand that nothing will change if I don't act and didn't want someone else to control my life.

This change is not something I was willing to accept and there was no positive to take from it. When life throws up challenges as such, holding on to faith and expecting miracles to happen wouldn’t serve the purpose. We must act; action is the key to solution. Running away from the problem is not the solution.

I asked him to change, I protested, it resulted in a fall out. I didn't want to give up. It did have a professional effect which I had anticipated but I am a lot satisfied now.

In the end what matters is the satisfaction and happiness in what we do. Impressing a person to get temporary happiness in the form of attention/promotion/ monetary gain will not last long. The following two quotes sums up everything.